Just missed him…

Posted: March 30, 2005 in Uncategorized

6AM, and that damn woodpecker gets back to work on my roof. I jump out of bed, and head straight downstairs to the back door, open it…and realize the hose has been turned off. No way to spray the little pecker without going out to the spigot, which of course walking all the way outside scared him off the last time.

Plus, I realized I’m standing there in my Calvin Kleins, shivering my a$$ off. I was too pissed to care if my neighbors saw me.

So I start running around the kitchen and living room, looking for anything that would convey the simple message, "GET THE FVCK OFF MY HOUSE, BIATCH". I kept thinking he would suddenly take off, and I would have to wait yet another day to get this point across. The downstairs is tidy, so I can’t find anything small and unbreakable. So I’m checking the fridge, and realize I can’t use the fruit (it would bruise). Then I spy in a bowl on the counter a bag of russett potatoes. Ah yes, cheap, safe, indestructable¬†ammo.

I didn’t heave it very hard, but he saw it coming straight for him…he unperched himself and flew with extreme conviction just a millisecond before the potato hit the gutter right where he was standing.

Which reminds me, softball season is coming up…

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