Archive for May, 2006

LAME movies…

Posted: May 30, 2006 in Uncategorized
The library sometimes has some gems sitting on the shelf, but most of the time you must reserve a film to check it out. Last week I found John Carpenter’s special edition of Assault on Precinct 13 just sitting there. I’d heard of the movie, it was generally well-regarded as excellent work. Carpenter was coming off of a very successful Halloween when he made this film. However, an hour into the film I finally pulled the disc out of the player. The movement was plodding too slow, the dialog was contrived and unrealistic, the acting was horrid…and when the assault finally started, there was repeated use of action shots (re: cops/convicts shooting the same people climbing thru the same windows multiple times)…they didn’t even mix in different angles to make it look like different shots. It was like deja vu in a movie over and over and over again. I got to the point where I hoped everyone in the police station died…but I didn’t want to keep watching to find out if they did.
 
Tonight the wife and I tried to watch Gus Van Sant’s Last Days. Thought it might be interesting, considering someone (the jacket) claimed it was loosely based on Kurt Cobain’s last days. However, it was a slow film showing some guy totally wiped, and was going nowhere after 40 minutes. There was the scene with a couple of mormons did a walk-by of the band house, and actually kept talking to a stoned musician, but otherwise was thoroughly un-entertaining. Gave up.
 
Were either movies as bad as Clifford? No, but they came damn close.
 
As I type this, I’m watching The Rundown, with The Rock and Seann William Scott. People say The Rock can’t act, but he’s actually a great character actor: do the "eye" and act tough. Scott gets the funny lines, tho’ some are kinda lame. Some great fight scenes, which are well choreographed. A good "guilty pleasure" film for action buffs.

Two Top10 wins in a row?

Posted: May 28, 2006 in Uncategorized
Probably not, but here are my submissions for this week’s Late Show Top10 Contest:
 
Top Ten Little-Known Perks of Being the "American Idol" Winner
  • You receive lovely sympathy cards from all the past Idol winners
  • You get the entire season on DVD at the employee discount price
  • People on the street recognize you for two whole weeks
  • Randy stops calling you "dawg", Simon stops rolling his eyes every time you pick up a microphone, and Paula stops trying to help you with your career
  • Lifetime supply of Grecian Formula
  • A free t-shirt that reads, "I won American Idol, and all I got was this t-shirt and a crappy record contract"

Hottest Indy was hottest

Posted: May 28, 2006 in Uncategorized
The track was about 130 degrees, making this possibly the hottest Indy 500 in its 90 year history. The teams eventually tweaked their cars just right to handle the extreme heat. In the end, it looked like an Andretti would finally win Indy, and it would be a 19-year-old rookie Andretti…but heartreak once again in the last two seconds. The second-closest finish in history. Wow, what a race.
 
Buddy Rice got a bad break when he was pushed up into a wall. He was so polite in the pits afterward during his interview, but if this were NASCAR, he would have been missing for the interview…cuz he would have been in a different team’s pit beating the crap out of the driver who knocked him out.
 
Rahahl-Letterman team still had Danica out there, and they had the perfect strategy: running in 5th, have her pit the car at lap 183, several laps before the other drivers, and give her just enough fuel to keep the car light and finish at a full-rich mixture. This would give her a chance to take the lead when the other drivers had to pit. They were playing the odds: only three yellow flags in the last 180 laps, so an average of 60 laps between yellows…with only 17 laps left, they hoped there would be no more yellows. But some guy just couldn’t control his car after being passed coming out of a turn (heat exhaustion? probably) and he just glided up into the wall. Needless to say, this yellow allowed the other drivers to pit, and Danica fell from 5th to 8th. It was a better strategy than last year for Danica, but it just didn’t pan out.
 
Most of the race was exciting…three lead changes in two turns, one taking top and the other bottom passing a slower car? Wow. Running over a pit crew member who couldn’t get the fuel hose disconnected, forcing the driver to stop and being penalized a lap for it, and still winning in the end? Holy smokes.
Here comes another mousepad, hopefully I can fanangle a coffee mug instead. I don’t think it was my funniest submission…I thought the ones about the General Lee horn, the jumper cables and the missing side-railings were better, but I suppose I shouldn’t complain, it’s the third time they’ve used one of my submissions. I just need to remember to record the show next week, just in case.

Late Show Top10 entries

Posted: May 23, 2006 in Uncategorized
Yup, I wanna win again, but I think CBS doesn’t like me anymore. Anyway, here’s my submissions for this week’s contest, hopefully one will win me a shiny new mousepad:
 
Top Ten Signs You’re On A Bad Cruise Ship
  • During a late evening walk on the deck, you come across Donald beating the crap out of Goofy
  • Small print on your ticket indicates no refund in the event of icebergs or an enormous wave
  • You see rats scramble off as soon as the boat docks
  • The captain is wearing a button that reads "Beer-chugging Champion!"
  • Instead of side railings on the deck, there is a 6-inch wide line that reads, "Do not cross"
  • Even the bottled water tastes salty
  • Two words: nuclear powered
  • Needs jumper cables to get the engine started
  • Crew members are ALWAYS wearing their life vests
  • All of the life rings are old Michelin tires
  • When the captain blows the ship’s horn, it sounds just like the General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard
  • Every deck hand tells you his name is "Gopher"
  • One of the ports of call is listed as "To be determined in the Persian Gulf"
  • When buying your ticket, the agent conveniently forgot to tell you the name of your ship is "The Scientologist"
  • How do vultures get this far out to sea…?
  • Skeet shooting event uses seagulls for targets

Who had a head injury?

Posted: May 23, 2006 in Uncategorized
By now you’ve heard that ol’ leather-face, Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones, the Liver of Steel, suffered a head injury falling out of a tree. Word is that he has returned to the United States. HuH? When did he leave?
 
"He is feeling great, happy to be home…" according to a statement from LD Communications in London.
 
Excuse me…he’s happy to be home in the United States??? Where the hell is this guy from, anyway?

Gasoline Lies

Posted: May 22, 2006 in Uncategorized
According to the bean-counters in Washington, retail gas prices fell over 6 cents a gallon this week. But when I drive down the street, I see gas prices have either stayed the same, or have gone up a cent or two. Furthermore, Washington sez we drivers are paying 76 cents more per gallon than last year around Memorial Day…except when I drive down the street, I see that gas prices are well over a dollar more per gallon than what I was paying last year.
 
Why do they lie? So that they can keep the prices much higher than expected, hoping that we don’t notice. For example, exactly one year after Bush Senior lost the Persian Gulf War by pulling everyone out before nabbing Saddam, oil cost a full dollar less per barrell than it did before the first airstrikes began (heard this on KIRO 710 that stunning day)…but still we were paying over 20 cents more per gallon of gas than the same time the previous year (from 87 cents to $1.24 at the cheapest place I always went to from airstrikes to year-after "victory"). Coincidence? I think not. Consider Senior and Junior’s business…would YOU want to see gas prices drop if YOU were them? Hell no…they have their family wealth to consider, not including enriching all the people who payed devil prices to support their runs for the presidency. They owe them this…and we pay for it by the mile.