Archive for September, 2006

Week 4 futbawl predictions

Posted: September 28, 2006 in Uncategorized
I took a few extra pain meds today, and so I might as well be throwing darts to select the winners of the week…
  • Falcons over Cardinals (Arizona has this week’s QB troubles, and there’s no way The Edge is gonna have more rushing yards than Vick)
  • Vikings over Bills (Minnesota’s luck ran out last week, but they’ll fix some stuff)
  • Saints over Panthers (NO is still flying high from Monday night, and Steve Smith is still a little hurt)
  • Colts over Jets (the guts want NY, the head is going with Indy)
  • Chiefs over 49ers (home game for KC, and they gotta win some day, even without Green)
  • Cowboys over Titans (the whole T.O. mess isn’t going to impact them as much as Tennessee’s QB controversy)
  • Ravens over Chargers (home game, they’re on a roll, and McNair is getting used to his new offense)
  • Texans over Dolphins (their QB has been doing fantastic, and his performance should finally get them a win)
  • Rams over Lions (Detroit is gonna thumbwrestle Oakland for the first pick in next year’s draft)
  • Bengals over Patriots (I’ve picked NE’s outcome wrong every week so far…but Palmer will be too much for them on his home turf)
  • Browns over Raiders (actually, this could go either way, it’s way too hard to call…but I made myself a promise during Week 1 not to pick Oakland again, so…)
  • Jags over Redskins (Brunell is the new Dave Krieg…one week fantastic, the next week dog meat. This week: lacerated elbow)
  • Seahawks over Bears (Seattle’s O-line may not be as good as theirs, but the ‘hawks D has finally jelled, and should get at least one interception that leads to a score…regardless that Alexander won’t be excelling in front of a national audience)
  • Eagles over Packers (this is gonna be yet another lame MNF contest)

Just WHO deserves to vomit?

Posted: September 26, 2006 in Uncategorized
Cowboys wide-receiver Terrell Owens…the "Mouth of the South", also known as the single most-destructive member of a football team that can take down, ridicule and humiliate ANY quarterback…was reportedly rushed to the emergency room tonight. And apparently, the doctors are trying to induce vomiting.
Which is only fair…T.O. has been inducing NFL fans to vomit for years.

No money for 10-year erection

Posted: September 26, 2006 in Uncategorized
A Superior Court judge reversed a Rhode Island Supreme Court decision to award 400K to a guy who had a penile implant that resulted in a 10-year erection…in other words, it malfunctioned (much to "her satisfaction"…?). Let’s look at the facts that are NOT being considered in this case, shall we?
  • The plaintiff’s nickname is "Chick" (oooh, not good)
  • He is "a former handyman" (rimshot, please)
  • The malfunctioning device "causes him embarrasment" ("Is that a penile implant in your pocket, or…?")
  • He claimes it’s "like a constant headache" (That’s what she says…another rimshot, please)

For those of you who got the "rimshot" comments, get your minds out of the gutter!

BTW, I was watching Liar Liar on TV the other night…did you know you can’t say "erection" on TV? I sure didn’t, but I noticed they over-dubbed it. The whole decency-on-TV thang is kinda weird…censors let you say "ass" and they bleep out "hole" (cuz "hole" is a four-letter word?). You can say "damn", but they bleep out our maker’s name if it preceeds the four-letter word. I’m sure George Carlin is happy that the censors let South Park say "tits" and "titties" without bleeps. Makes ya wonder where the line gets drawn for multi-million dollar fines for networks, doesn’t it?

Not too bad…

Posted: September 25, 2006 in Uncategorized
My futbawl predictions this week was better…but I should have considered the emotional zone the Saints would be in against the Falcons, with the first home game since Katrina hit, and it certainly wasn’t the contest I predicted, with Atlanta barely making an appearance. Neither was I correct about the "physical contest" of the Seahawks against the Giants, since The Hammer decided to make NY a non-issue in the first quarter…a much better 4th-quarter rally by Eli than last week, but an insurmountable number of points. And for my upset game of the week, the Colts almost imploded, but got the job done by the skin of their teeth. And sure enough, the Vikings had luck go the other way late in the 4th. In any case, 10 of 14 is pretty good.
Alexander is out with a bone fracture, and could be out for weeks. The Madden Curse? Hell, somebody should have put him on the cover of Sports Illustrated, too. Just the same, he hasn’t made an MVP impression during the ‘hawks first three wins, and the four-receiver sets the Seahawks pulled on NY paid huge dividends (but let’s certainly not discount the awesome defense). Alexander will have Mo-Mo stand in for him, and Mack Strong is still…well, he’s still Mack Strong. As long as Hasselbeck keeps his head, we’ll do just fine against Chicago next Sunday. Which BTW, is the first nationally televised game that Alexander won’t be "The Show" since before he was drafted.

Osama is dead?

Posted: September 23, 2006 in Uncategorized
The French claim that Saudia Arabia believes Osama is dead. Obviously, we didn’t get him…it was typhoid. A fine ending for that rat-bastard who decided to invade and occupy another country instead of going after the greatest enemy ever known to the United States.
Any of you rednecks still happy you re-elected that wussy-boy?

Mo’ futbawl

Posted: September 21, 2006 in Uncategorized
Doing 50% (or slightly better) predictions for the first two weeks…let’s see how I do for Week 3, shall we?
  • Bears over Vikings (Minnesota got lucky last week, but luck runs out against Chicago)
  • Jets over Bills (again, too close to call for a game against Buffalo…but I gotta pick, so…)
  • Bengals over Steelers (Ben and the Men of Steel gave us the worst MNF game in history, and Palmer is red-hot and ready for revenge)
  • Packers over Lions (Detroit tanked much worse last week than GB, and Favre has to win sometime…)
  • Jaguars over Colts (my upset game of the week…the Colts showed last week their defense is just too weak, and the Jags love to beat them at their house)
  • Bucs over Panthers (unless Smith gets on the field, of course…and even then, maybe not)
  • Redskins over Texans (a better defense than what Houston faced last week in the Colts)
  • Dolphins over Titans (Tennessee’s QB problems are much worse than I thought they were last week)
  • Ravens over the Browns (probably gonna be a blowout, too)
  • Eagles over 49’ers (too easy to call)
  • Rams over Cardinals (St. Louis is royally pissed about last week, and Edge has shown he ain’t got the edge)
  • Seahawks over Giants (Seattle is gonna crank the under-turf subwoofers just as Eli starts the count at center…)
  • Patriots over Denver (if it were at Mile High, I’d go the other way)
  • Falcons over Saints (lots of running, it’s gonna be vastly superior game to last week’s MNF, but Vick will get more rushing yards than Bush)

A little better…

Posted: September 19, 2006 in Uncategorized
…but only a little better on this week’s predictions for futbawl contests. I got nine correct (as opposed to eight last week). The Eagles had the game locked, then let it all slip away to the Giants at the end (dumb bastards). The Jets led a valiant comeback effort that just fell short against a Patriots team that gave up 17 unanswered points. The Cowboys sucked as far as penalties, and T.O. was a completely ineffective retard on the field, but somehow they won anyway (probably cuz Brunell got sacked six times and couldn’t pass the ball…helluva way to spend your 36th birthday, right?). The Titans didn’t put Vince Young in until it was too late…and he engineered their only scoring drive. The Lions forgot how well they played Seattle last week, and rolled over to bear their necks to the Bears. On a positive note, one of my upset-games came true: the ‘niners beat the Rams. On a negative note, the Colts spread was horrid: they let the Texans score 24 points…the Colts defense had better step up, cuz if they go up against a good defense, they will not be able to rely on their offense to win games as they did yesterday. And what the hell happened to Pittsburgh? That game was SOOO boring, it was the lowest-scoring game in MNF history, and the Steelers got shut out for the first time in their own history of MNF appearances! Plus, this is Big Ben’s first loss as a starter…kinda sobering, ain’t it Ben? And how about that Raiders game, huh? I can’t even remember which team repainted the field turf with streaks of silver and black, I can only remember how awful of a game they played (it was the only morning game broadcasted in the NW…I didn’t have a choice of games, dammit).
Seahawks next opponent: the NY Giants. However, anybody else see two near-picks by our defense, with one perfectly opportune interception by Boulware? (He seems to have a knack for "just-in-time" interceptions). Notice how the defense kept up with five sacks? Mack Strong’s average yard per carry obliterated The Edge’s yards per carry. Wow, Darrell Jackson had a fantastic game, Engram did just as well as any Cardinal receiver, and now Deion Branch has been confirmed to be on the field next week to open up the passing game even further, and thus opening the running game. The Giants won’t get a gift-wrapped win a second week in a row when they come to Seattle…this should be a very competitive and physical game.