(C3PO voice) We’re doomed

Posted: March 9, 2007 in Uncategorized
People are fearing the upcoming Mini-Y2K event on early Sunday morning. Oh no, computers won’t know what time it is! All is lost! Here’s a hint: this time, there isn’t a battalion of gas-powered generator trailers sitting outside Building 26. So relax. Planes are NOT going to fall from the sky at 2 AM.
The well-preserved corpse formerly known as Eddie Van Halen is back in rehab. Well, there goes any chance of the band playing Monday at their induction into the Rock Hall of Fame. I can hear TiVos being de-programmed as I type. In related news, Britney Spears suddenly checked out of rehab again…screaming out the door…
The holier-than-thou former Speaker of the House, Mr. Family Values himself, Newt Gingrich, now admits he was actively cheating on his second wife while persuing the impeachment of Prez Bill for doing the same thing…the little tart was a congressional aide and 20 years younger. I suppose on the bright side, he wasn’t having an affair with a male page…at least, none that we know of yet. His first wife was his high-school geometry teacher…and she claims he was discussing divorce terms with her while she lay in a hospital bed recovering from cancer surgery. Of course, he doesn’t recall being such an ass. What a great Family Values spokesperson, huh? He’s considered a strong prospect for the 2008 presidency, but those Sourthern Baptists are going to have to swallow really hard and check their conscience at the door for him to win the red states.
Congress wants NASA to find space rocks that could potentially disrupt our way of life if they were to hit the planet, but NASA told them to go play with their Barbie dolls…you can’t find planet killers without funding. On the positive side, we won’t know what hit us, or when it will happen…we’ll just be vaporized in blissful ignorance.
Another long-time crush of mine got knocked up and is getting married: Salma Hayek. I’ll probably just pop in Desperado Saturday night and weep into a bowl of Cheetos.
People who can afford to buy cars I can only dream about…don’t. They drive 15-year-old pick-ups or 16-year-old Volvos. There are a few billionaires out there who need a serious reality check, folks…
The FBI has been found to have illegally used and abused the Patriot Act. Wow…nobody thought THIS would ever happen, DID they…? Anyone? Anyone? No?
Captain America has been assassinated.
Starbuck is dead…but I won’t actually believe it until I watch it on my MCE machine. I am being very diligent NOT to read anything else about this until I watch it tonight.
Pacman’s attorney says the guy is very frightened. You would be, too, if it suddenly became known you were a major druggie and had all of your guns and ammo confiscated by the cops.
C3PO…a standup vacuum cleaner has more optimism than that guy…

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