Are you ready for some FOOTBALL???

Posted: September 6, 2007 in Uncategorized
It is the eve of the 2007 season. Last year I did pretty well on weekly predictions (moreso at the beginning of the year). But more important than my predictions is the fact that Terrell Owens’ mouth is officially open for business. Let’s decipher what he said today, shall we?
 
Prediction for himself: “I am expecting an explosive year.”
 
This is a difficult one, since it’s multiple choice:
 – will he explode on his rookie coach for not utilizing him enough?
 – will he explode on his near-rookie quarterback when Romo realizes Terry Glenn was Bledsoe’s favorite for a reason?
 – will he explode on the media when they question all the dropped balls…intentional or otherwise?
 – will he let his agent do the exploding for him for [insert whiny excuse here]
 – does he really think we DON’T expect yet another explosive year from the magnanimous T.O.?
 
Prediction for the Dallas Cowboys: “We are going to win some playoff games"
 
Yes, we all know that Romo is no longer the holder for field goals. Good luck!
 
His review of last season: “I really felt like I let this team down"
 
Translation: I should have a) got off that damn bike, and b) held on to that damn ball
 
“Anything regarding Bill Parcells is not a non-issue, it’s a dead issue. D-e-a-d, dead.”
 
Translation: "He ain’t the Giant’s head coach yet"
 
He compared dogfighting to hunting deer: “They cut their heads off and they go to mount them on the wall. And they are animals as well. I don’t see a big difference in the situation"
 
Technically, humans are animals as well. Why, if I may be so bold, a few ladies have referred to me as such in my more youthful days…but I digress, this isn’t about me, or about hunting humans. Let’s point out how small a difference it is…
 
 – the feds, when searching Vick’s property, didn’t find the heads of pit bulls mounted on his wall
 – Vick’s breeders license did not have a rider stating that he was legally allowed to hunt dogs
 – said dogs were not born free, nor lived natural lives before their fateful end…they were bred and born in captivity to fight and/or die (emphasis on "die"…many didn’t get the privilege to fight, like humans get the privilege to play in the NFL)
 – most deer do not die by the noose, electrocution, drowning, or WWE-style bodyslams…those that do are purely by accident (wink-wink)
 
Otherwise, yeah…no big difference.
 
When talk turned to distractions, Owens noted that no problems he’s caused have involved illegal activity.
 
Yeah, but…name a player involved in illegal activity who inferred that his quarterback was gay in a magazine interview; or besides Keyshawn Johnson, got his paycheck taken away and told to stay home on Sundays when he was perfectly eligible and healthy to play.
 
“That is a credit to the way my family raised me,”
 
Translation: mom said it’s perfectly OK to be an asshole. It’s not OK to be a criminal asshole.
 
"Considering some of things that have been going on since I have been in the league, especially this past year, I am a saint."
 
Okay…"Saint Asshole". Has a ring to it, dontcha think?
 
He opened by saying that after announcing “get your popcorn ready” when he joined the Cowboys last year, his plan this year is to “butter the popcorn.”
 
For some reason, I just can’t come up with a politically incorrect joke for "butter the popcorn"
 
He said things went “stale” last year partly because of injuries…and the prescription of pills that were part of an accidental overdose
 
Yeah, and there’s 25 million other reasons things went "stale" last year…
 
“I haven’t made a point to be more quiet…I didn’t want to be a distraction then and I don’t want to be a distraction now.”
 
Too late…
 
Owens wrapped things up by noting the Bible verse he’s worn on a plastic band around his right wrist for about a year…
 
Yep, the old "I found Jesus" routine. Normally used by those ultra-famous individuals who have suddenly found themselves in either rehab or jail, but it’s never too early for some to win a little public sympathy. At least he did better at quoting the bible than Paris Hilton…which seriously isn’t saying a whole lot…
 
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