Archive for January, 2008

The Fonz in bronz!

Posted: January 25, 2008 in Uncategorized
Yep, the coolest guy in TV sitcom history is getting erected in bronze in Milwaukee, possibly along the river. At least it wasn’t Laverne and Shirley in front of some brewery. Next in line should be a bronze statue of Frazier in Seattle…maybe it could be placed in the spot where Frazier’s condo supposedly stands…
Al "Just win, baby" Davis apparently sent a letter to his first-year head coach asking him to quit the Raiders, despite the fact that his new coach won TWICE as many games this year as his predecessor did last year. OK, so winning four games isn’t much, but it was the best season the Silver & Black has had in years. The coach refused to acquiesce the owner’s request, no idea if he also used the US Postal Service. But I digress…Al, grow a pair and fire him like every other NFL owner does! Sheesh! You’re acting like this is your first time running a football team, for Pete’s sake…
This never ceases to amaze me…a retired cop posed as a 13-year-old girl on Internet chat rooms and nails a pedophile. The perp happens to be both a city mayor and the pastor of a local church. Hasn’t anyone ever seen Dateline? You’d think that prominent, responsible, trusted leaders of a community would resist the temptation to destroy their careers and families.
Speaking of intelligence, I like to think that I work with some of the smartest minds in the world at my company. At the beginning of this week, there was a security guard sitting outside the men’s restroom keeping people from going in…he said they were cleaning up some flooding, so I assumed there was a pipe breakage or something. Two days later, I go into that men’s bathroom and realize the floor around the urinals is one big puddle, and there are three guys standing in the puddle using the urinals. I took a look at the one vacant urinal and saw that the drain hole was stuffed with paper towels…these guys were standing in piss water, and they were flushing other urinals stuffed with paper towels. Yesterday I go into the restroom again, and sure enough, two urinals have been clogged with paper towels again. Obviously, we have a disgruntled employee who has the mentality of a 10-year-old. Then today I go in, and somebody had decided to print out and post a notice next to the urinals basically stating, "Please do not put paper towels in urinals: causes flooding!". The disgruntled employee probably got a laugh. Yup, I work with some real bright minds…
Far too many sports writers used 20/20 vision at the end of the season to say that the Seahawks had a weak schedule, and THAT’S why they won their division and made the playoffs. A schedule is something to happen in the future, and none of these critics considered what they had originally said about the schedule when it first came out. So let’s start calling out those hypocrites with the NFC West division…
San Francisco: They had a great off-season with drafts and trades, retained their existing good talent, and many pundits claimed the 49ers were the most improved team in the entire NFL. In addition, they beat the Seahawks BOTH TIMES the previous year.
Arizona: Matt Leinart was to bloom as the starter, have a former Super Bowl MVP as his back-up, and a receiving corps of gifted athletes. It was the fourth or fifth year in a row some pundits picked the Cardinals as the post-season "dark horse", and they did beat the Seahawks in Week 2 this season. They still had an outside shot at the play-offs toward the end of the year.
St. Louis: Always the Seahawks’ nemesis in the past, the Rams signed Bulger to a huge contract extension, and their team was considered play-off bound. Who knew that the loss of three starters in Week 1 was only the premonition of a season to be completely decimated by injury?
That’s not a weak division. It’s a division that BECAME weak as the season progressed. Pundits said Seattle was supposed to have their hands full. Now let’s move on to the rest of the schedule…
Tampa Bay: The Bucs were supposed to be a mess this year with Chucky collecting geriatric quarterbacks, and trading for Jake Plummer (who retired instead). But the Bucs were good enough to make the play-offs.
Cincinnati: Palmer was healthy, and Ocho Cinco led a receiving corps that was supposed to shred defenses this year. Critics said this was the Bengals year to shine.
Pittsburgh: Just one year removed from the Super Bowl. You can guess what the critics said about the Steelers, and they shut out Seattle in Week 5.
New Orleans: Fantastic season the previous year, core positions were still filled, play-off favorites. They also beat the Seahawks.
Cleveland: Nobody gave them a shot, but the Browns almost made the play-offs. And they beat Seattle.
Chicago: Defending NFC Champions. Nuff said.
Philadelphia: Always a post-season favorite, no more T.O. drama, well-balanced team, and McNabb was healthy at the beginning of the year.
Carolina: They made the NFC Championship game in 2005, only to lose to Seattle. They weren’t as bad as their 8-8 record indicated in 2006, either.
Baltimore: Coming off a spectacular 13-3 season, and the Ravens defense was supposed to be as strong as ever.
Atlanta: New coach Petrino was supposed to work magic with Michael Vick. They were so confident, they even traded away an excellent back-up quarterback.
So when you look at the Seahawks schedule from last summer’s standpoint, they had a tough season ahead of them. Critics said then they maybe could pull out a wild-card position if they were lucky. It’s not fair to play the season, then say that the Seahawks had a weak schedule.
That’s what a hypocrite sez.

She’s a-gonna die

Posted: January 18, 2008 in Uncategorized
Britney Spears went for years without an album or tours, but never went a week without making headlines for whatever reason. Her antics keep getting more and more bizarre, to the point where she may be running out of ideas…except for the ultimate grande finale, DEATH. In anticipation of her desperation to continue making the news, the Associated Press is currently writing her obituary so that they’ll be ready with the story when it happens. However, untimely death is all in the timing, so Brit needs to coordinate with other train wrecks such as MJ, Paris and even her own little sister, and convince them not to do anything for a full week that might overshadow her final performance. Once that’s taken care of, she needs to schedule her check-in to the Roach Motel for the same two days that Lindsay Lohan is serving her community service time at the morgue. And while Lohan is supposed to be prepping Brit’s corpse, she gets busted while having sex with the mortician by Dr. Phil. Now THAT would be a story…
Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was approved for a three-year extension of his duties by unanimous vote, clearly indicating what a fantastic job he did with that whole steroids thang…
In the ultimate struggle to write something, anything, about how the San Diego Chargers could have a snowball’s chance in Hell against the Patriots, Don Banks of Sports Illustrated lists 5 ways the Chargers could upset the Pats. I didn’t waste my time reading it, I simply came up with my own list for how they could upset them…
  1. Utter "yo mama" jokes just before the ball is hiked
  2. Point at their feet and say, "Dude…socks untied"
  3. Sneak into their cafeteria before the game and switch their coffee to Folger’s Crystals
  4. Entire coaching staff wears hoody sweatshirts with the sleeves cut off
  5. Every person on the sideline is armed with a video camera

Stupidest. Man. Ever.

Posted: January 16, 2008 in Uncategorized
Yes, I’m talking about Pacman Jones again. He claims he wants to play football next year, but obviously not that badly…his favorite hangout is still the local strip club, and his favorite past-time is still getting into trouble at the local strip club. This time, the club managers apparently stole his money and bracelet. Why, or more importantly HOW they stole a bracelet and cash from Pacman is left for us to guess…anyway, Mr. Trouble got angry about being "robbed" by the establishment, so he gets violent with one of the club owners…a woman. There is a lawyer present…also a woman. The lawyer apparently isn’t doing anything outside of handling a divorce case…and conducting her work in a strip club. The lawyer apparently isn’t being accused of stealing from Pacman, but he allegedly makes several threatening moves at her, then decides to sucker-punch the lawyer in the eye. Even if Quentin Tarantino himself wrote a script like this for a movie, the studio execs would laugh him out of town.
The NFL is supposed to review Pacman’s status for re-instatement after the Pro Bowl, a few short weeks away. I can imagine how it will start: "Mr. Jones, your chosen community service while suspended was to give away tickets to young kids to a wrestling match that you were starring in, but didn’t actually wrestle. You can’t stay out of strip clubs. You let a woman rob you blind. You punched another woman. Are you trying to solidify your status as the biggest pussy in NFL history?"
Big news over the last few weeks is that numerous famous friends of Jennifer Aniston are trying desperately to fix her up on dates and get the poor girl laid. Not a single one of them has called me. Yet.
My prediction for the Conference Championships: Patriots and Packers in the Super Bowl. The Dynasty vs. The Legend. If the Patriots have to lose one game this year, I would love it if Brett Favre engineered that win.


Posted: January 15, 2008 in Uncategorized
So I walk in late for our bowling date, and get added to a team…I was given three straight frames to catch up. I jokingly complain that I don’t get a warm-up toss, to which I’m told nobody else did either! OK, fine…first two frames: both strikes. The rest of the game was just like everybody else, get some, miss some. Then I hit three strikes on the 10th frame. Scored a total of 149. I thought that was easily my best game, but somehow I scored 149 on my third game as well, which I though was pretty mediocre. I’ll never understand how scoring works in bowling. And the inside of my hand between the thumb and index finger is kinda hurting…
As goes bowling, it’s a nice seque to politics…today New York Rep. Charlie Rangel decided to open his mouth concerning Barack Obama’s admitted drug use as a youth in his autobiography, stating, "For him to be honest enough to write about it, I guess he thought it might sell books." Oh, look, kids! A politician who is guessing! I wonder if he uses this same excuse when his own voting history is repeated back to him. But I digress, perhaps intelligent people would "guess" that Obama decided to be honest because he knew that years later that lying about it could become a major scandal should he ever decide to run for President of the United States or something and be called a liar when the Republicans dug up his dirty laundry. Nah, who am I kidding, I’m sure money was the only motivation…
Dozens of people in Texas claim they saw a UFO, and they are afraid it signifies the end of times. When told that the Cowboys lost to the Giants on Sunday, the realization of their fears set in…half committed suicide, while the other half blamed Jessica.
A website that some may think could have helped my wife and I two years ago is pretty cool…it’s a "rat on your neighbor" site called The people who started it seemingly did it out of revenge, but ended up learning from it. They claim nuisance neighbors fall into one of two groups: those who are rude, brutish and just don’t care, and those who are simply ignorant of your side of the story. Well, my neighbors fall into the first group, and are also simply ignorant. Knocking on their door at four in the morning (more than once) didn’t make much of an impression on them, but after receiving several letters from Animal Control, I think they finally realized I wasn’t kidding around when knocking on their door at four in the morning (I was being proactive…step #5). Their dogs have been blessedly quiet until daylight lately…
Britney Spears used to be pretty. She used to be sexy. She used to be able to visit with her kids. Well, at least she’s still allowed to participate in an activity loosely based on manuevering a motorized vehicle. Hopefully no one takes away her right to wear underwear again…
In another "Oh god, why doesn’t this person just go away" department, Clay Aiken thought Monty Python was an actual person up until three months ago. Now this never-has-been got himself a starring role in Spamalot, and after rehearsals he was so sore that he couldn’t get off the toilet. Sez Clay, "It hurts so bad. I don’t know if it’s I’m not coordinated or using muscles I never had to use before". If you can imagine what Eric Idle would say, you understand why I’m not even going to attempt a joke here.
Finally, Smurfs are 50 years old. No, I’m not kidding. They celebrated by getting drunk and conducting forest-wide home invasions of the 150-year-old Keebler Elves.
Haven’t done a Top 10 submission in awhile…wish me luck on winning a t-shirt (I sure as hell sucked trying to win a new TV…)
Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Mike Huckabee
  • The initials on his personalized luggage and towels are "MF"
  • Legally changed his name from "Mike Huckaloogie"
  • Once was a star of Mexico’s "Lucha Libre" wrestling circuit…used his real name, nobody got it
  • Fluently speaks Bee-Latin
  • Got the endorsement of Chuck Norris because he has one helluva roundhouse kick
  • Once traded pick-up lines with George Clooney
  • Wife’s maiden name is McCain. Whoa, hold on there just a second…WHAT?!?
A manufacturing defect in the F-15 Eagle fighter jet caused one of them to split into two pieces while making a turn at 500 MPH a few weeks ago, and all jets were grounded to be checked out. Many passed inspection, but about 40% of the Air Force’s fleet are still grounded and may never fly again. Now the service is trying to determine whether Boeing would be liable for the defect after 30 years. Oh, please…even if they DID get 20-year warranties on those planes, they should have expected them to start falling apart right after the warranty expired…that’s how it works for my stuff, why should the government get a free replacement after 30 years? And I don’t repeatedly slam my stuff onto concrete at 100 MPH or throw it across the room at supersonic speeds, either…
A golf commentator joked that in order for the competition to take on Tiger Woods, they should "lynch him in a back alley". In all honesty, it probably wouldn’t be funny if it weren’t true…Tiger can kick everybody’s ass in golf without putting his beer down first. So she gets suspended and apologizes, Tiger publicly sez it’s OK with him, but Al Sharpton thinks none of this is good enough. He sez, "Lynching is not murder in general. It is not assault in general. It is a specific racial term…". Really? First, I thought the idea of lynching was to "hang until dead"…and it kinda hurts, too. That’s not murder or assault when done by a lynch mob? Second, how many times did Captain Jack Sparrow have a noose around his neck? And when I was watching cowboy movies as a kid, there were lynch mobs, and there was lynching going on. Perhaps the best of these films was "Hang ’em High". Pulling back that bandana to show the lynch scar…you knew someone was seconds away from dying. Oh well, I learn something new from the dear Reverend every year…this year I learned that Clint Eastwood and Johnny Depp are black. Shouldn’t Sharpton be running for President or something?
My NFL picks were quite awful this year. Oh well, I’m quite happy with the Seahawks win over the Redskins, hopefully their defense can be just as efficient at Green Bay, and the offense will just suddenly click to the "on" position.