She’s a-gonna die

Posted: January 18, 2008 in Uncategorized
Britney Spears went for years without an album or tours, but never went a week without making headlines for whatever reason. Her antics keep getting more and more bizarre, to the point where she may be running out of ideas…except for the ultimate grande finale, DEATH. In anticipation of her desperation to continue making the news, the Associated Press is currently writing her obituary so that they’ll be ready with the story when it happens. However, untimely death is all in the timing, so Brit needs to coordinate with other train wrecks such as MJ, Paris and even her own little sister, and convince them not to do anything for a full week that might overshadow her final performance. Once that’s taken care of, she needs to schedule her check-in to the Roach Motel for the same two days that Lindsay Lohan is serving her community service time at the morgue. And while Lohan is supposed to be prepping Brit’s corpse, she gets busted while having sex with the mortician by Dr. Phil. Now THAT would be a story…
 
Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was approved for a three-year extension of his duties by unanimous vote, clearly indicating what a fantastic job he did with that whole steroids thang…
 
In the ultimate struggle to write something, anything, about how the San Diego Chargers could have a snowball’s chance in Hell against the Patriots, Don Banks of Sports Illustrated lists 5 ways the Chargers could upset the Pats. I didn’t waste my time reading it, I simply came up with my own list for how they could upset them…
  1. Utter "yo mama" jokes just before the ball is hiked
  2. Point at their feet and say, "Dude…socks untied"
  3. Sneak into their cafeteria before the game and switch their coffee to Folger’s Crystals
  4. Entire coaching staff wears hoody sweatshirts with the sleeves cut off
  5. Every person on the sideline is armed with a video camera
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