It’s so hot that…

The Seattle Times had a contest for joke phrases for how hot it was on Monday. I couldn’t believe the number of people who got published for using really old, known jokes! I actually came up with an original that got published.

 

No, I don’t get a mousepad for it…

The final answer on Superman’s sexuality?

Newsweek published an interview with Superman Returns director Brian Singer today. To one question, Singer answered, "…I can confidently tell you that ‘Superman Returns’ is the most heterosexual movie I’ve ever made."

 

As "Wrangler" Bob Barber famously said in Rustler’s Rhapsody, a real Good Guy has to be a confident heterosexual.

 

Of course, Superman is no lawyer, but I think perhaps this debate has been laid to rest…

Close, but no cigar

Letterman’s Top10 was pretty close this week on several entries…a few of mine were somewhat similar to the winning submissions:

 

Top10 Reasons BillG is Stepping Down From MS:

 

Mine: More time needed in order to get a decent haircut

#9: Wants to spend more time in search of a decent barber

 

Mine: No more software companies left to destroy

#5: Ruthlessly crushing the competition just doesn’t bring the joy it used to anymore

 

Mine: He wants to save Brangelina’s kids

#2: Thinks if he devotes more time to charity work he might have a shot with Angelina Jolie

 

OK, so the winners were a bit more funny than mine. Hey, it’s just a stinkin’ mousepad…as if my MX700 needs anything other than a RatPadz…

MySpace: it’s not enough!

Safety experts warned, "new security measures for young users of MySpace.com won’t be enough to stop online child predators". This shocking revelation comes on the heels of a $30M lawsuit filed earlier this week, claiming MySpace didn’t take sufficient steps to protect underage members…regardless of numerous warnings MySpace makes apparent to members.

 

There are several problems here. First, kids just don’t understand the dangers, they feel safe sitting at the computer inside their home, and they think only "friends" would want to see their blog. With this, they don’t see anything wrong with propping pictures of themselves, friends, their home clearly showing house number, their neighborhood; or posting personal information such as city and last name, where mom and dad work, etc; or talking about events/activities, times and locations. Even with the smallest bit of info, a predator can zero in on where you are located within just a few minutes (this isn’t just useful knowledge for kids…adults should be aware of these info-divulging tidbits on their own blogs as well).

 

Second, parents still aren’t involved in their child’s Internet habits as they should be. After 12 years, you’d think parents would realize just how dangerous the Internet is, but no…they let their kids surf without supervision, let them create blogs without approving what the kid sez in the blog, etc.

 

Third, there really is no air-tight way for a corporation to protect kids on the ‘net, primarily because either the kid will lie or the predator will lie to get past any "protection mechanism" that is set up. There might be a parentally-approved blog and list of sites the kid is allowed, but does that stop the kid from creating new accounts at MySpace or Passport or just about anywhere else? No, and kids always like to challenge authority and have their secrets. And the predator will always lie, it’s the single-most important social tool predators have, so that’s just a given.

 

What’s the safest thing to do? Get off the ‘net. But that’s not a solution for people in love with the "information age", so the next best thing is to get involved. Learn the dangers. Watch your kids ‘net use (and your own use, too). And keep in mind: if the predator wants to find you, that predator will do anything to find you…and may just be successful, even if you think you are taking all the proper measures. Just one piece of info can cost you your anonymity. Even worse, do friends post info about you/your kid?

 

The ‘net is not safe, treat it that way.

AOL still suxors

Quitting AOL back in ’97 didn’t work for me…I had to quit three times before they stopped charging me my monthly fee. I still want my $75 back. Then they went thru the v5.0 debacle that killed dial-up networking in Windows for all ISP accounts except for AOL, for which they conveniently blamed Microsoft and told all of their customers to call MS, costing MS hundreds of thousands of dollars in PSS, then eventually settling a class-action lawsuit in 2002 for $15M. Then there was the double-billing scheme the following year that landed them another class-action lawsuit.

 

Have they learned the error of their ways? Consider this: some guy actually recorded a phone conversation with AOL to cancel his service…it only took 45 minutes! And he propped the recorded conversation to the web, becoming an instant celebrity.

 

Me, three months…him, 45 minutes. And he only had to suffer hard-sell tactics and insulting questions. So I guess they actually ARE being more tolerant of their customers who wish to leave their humble abode…

 

In other news, wasn’t this one hell of an NBA Finals? Naturally, the best part is that Kobe was nowhere to be seen…but it was almost the equivilent of the reverse-sweep! And Game 5 was absolutely awesome. I just wish I had seen more of the play-off games, this was one of the best post-seasons the NBA has ever had.

 

And now this week’s submissions to Letterman’s Top 10 List:

 

Top Ten Reasons Bill Gates Is Stepping Down From Microsoft

• Every desktop now has a computer…mission accomplished!
• He got insulting scores on his last yearly employee review
• He wants to save Brangelina’s kids
• No more software companies left to destroy
• He wants to persue his real dream: racing Indy cars
• Two words: "President Gates"
• He’s nailed all the "software babes"
• More time needed in order to get a decent haircut
• He’s tired of being referred to as "Just one big ATM machine"

Tune in next week to see if one of my submissions wins me another shiny new mouse pad…

Say, aren’t you a legend?

We had a team moral event at the pool hall in Lincoln Square on Friday afternoon. A good time had by all. I was dressed a bit snazzy, wearing slacks and a nice shirt, and even had my shoes shined at Nordstrom’s just before arriving (got crap from Berge, too). I had to go back thru the mall to get to my truck, so I perused thru Nordstrom’s on my way out (it was the half-yearly men’s sale…damn, it was crowded). I’m checking out the shaving accessories when I notice a salesperson asking if help was needed..but he wasn’t asking me, he was asking the older gentleman next to me. That gentleman turns toward me, and I suddenly realize…

 

It was Lenny Wilkens.

 

Assuming IF you have the audacity to actually speak to this man, what the hell do you say? Me, I didn’t even think about it…I immediately put on a sly smile and said, "Say, aren’t you a legend?"

 

The first look on his face was kind of stunned. Maybe it was the "legend" thing. And although I was properly dressed in this particular establishment, my hair is a bit of a throw-off, maybe that was it. Who knows for sure. But he quickly gave me a smile, and shook my hand, asking me, "How are you?" I just smiled a little differently and said, "Good, thanks".

 

Then I turned and continued browsing the store.

 

And that was my brush with one of the greatest men in NBA history. w00t.

Wear a helmet

It’s simple: the NFL will penalize you if you so much as take your helmet off on the field of play, even if the play is dead, and yet Superbowl quarterback Big Ben from the Steelers won’t wear one EVER on a motorcycle. Quote: "…the big thing is to just be careful."

 

Dude, it doesn’t matter if you are "careful" on the world’s fastest motorcycle, because there are just too many people wrapped in steel boxes that have no concept of two-wheeled vehicles…why the heck do you think so many riders have bumper-stickers on their cars advising "Look twice, save a life…motorcycles are everywhere", hmmmm?

 

So some old lady in a big-ass Chrysler New Yorker makes a left turn in front of him, and he hits the side of her car. I’m sure he had the right-of-way and she simply didn’t see him coming, but that’s small comfort after receiving a nine-inch gash introduced to the back of your head, getting both your jaw and your nose broken, and losing most of your teeth.

 

Terry Bradshaw told him to ride when he retires. Ben ignored that advice…but at least now Ben can have the same smile as Bradshaw…

Road-rage is psych? Bull…

People getting angry on the road is all a psychological imbalance? These are people who need professional help or drugs? Certainly not in most cases.

 

I don’t force someone off the road or cut them off or follow them just to scream bloddy-murder at them. But I do get angry with people who should NOT be allowed to operate a motor vehicle…although I usually just bitch about it under my breath and forget about it. However, I can understand certain circumstances where people go ballistic, but don’t go the "illegal" overboard route…they just get mad. Case(s) in point…

 

This morning I’m heading to work along a long stretch of roadway with someone ahead of me doing about 10 MPH under the speed limit…and she keeps looking down into her passenger seat and fiddling around with something as if it’s far more important for her to pay attention to than the road, and repeatedly hitting her brakes. I’m almost ready to pass her when she suddenly decides to look forward and drive as if she should be behind the wheel. OK, fine. But then we get to the light and stop…which then turns green…and soon after starting to moving forward, she suddenly decides to stop the vehicle and pay attention to whatever is in her passenger seat again…to which she finally got the horn.

 

I’m heading home this afternoon, and the right lane has to merge with the left (I’m already in the left lane). I look in my rear-view mirror, and I can’t see the dashboard of the POS behind me (much less her license plate) because this bitch driving that crap-ass car decides the person to her right isn’t going to get one car length further up than her…meaning that she’s essentially riding almost underneath the bumper of my new truck. I remain calm and realize that I need to carefully drive-n-brake as necessary to keep her POS car from making contact with my truck.

 

A few minutes later I’m on the same long stretch of road as this morning, when I suddenly realize the person ahead of me is breaking to a full stop…for no reason whatsoever (other than to make an illegal U-turn in unpassable traffic). Thinking that nobody behind my truck can see this person coming to a complete stop to illegally impede traffic, I do not jump to the right lane to pass, and instead repeatedly hit my brakes to "flash" to the peole behind me that we’re coming to a stop, and save this utter moron ahead of me a possible rear-end collision in a high-speed area. I flash my high-beams at him, and what does he do? He looks in his rear-view mirror at me, and he shrugs like he has no control over the oncoming traffic that he’s illegally waiting to pass us by. C’mon, if you make a wrong turn, drive until you can correct your mistake! Yeah, he got the horn, too…but he still waited until he could execute his illegal U-turn.

 

This is just three examples (re: morons) I dealt with in one day. It’s actually a daily occurance to see someone driving who should instead be in a coffee shop. Like when I was driving on 520 and saw the woman to my right slowing her vehicle to a crawl for no reason, holding her hand up to block the sun, so that she could see the road…what, she doesn’t have sunglasses or know what her sun-visor is for? Maybe she did…but couldn’t grab her glasses or pull down her visor because her other hand was holding her cell phone (which begs the question: was her third hand on the wheel?). And every day, I see someone making a left turn, and driving over the lane of oncoming traffic…several times, I’ve almost gotten hit head-on when coming to a stop light…whatever happened to executing 90-degree turns at 90 degrees?

 

Some people may have issues, but I think most people have issues with stupid people who shouldn’t be driving in the first place.

Do you believe…

…a man can fly? That was essentially a paraphrased tag-line back in 1978 for Superman, starring Christopher Reeve. The tag-line "You’ll believe a man can fly" was more for the advanced special effects, but the real issue was that people had questions about this nobody-actor becoming the Man of Steel…will this Reeve kid actually convince us that he’s Superman?

 

The thing is, Reeve did an exceptional job…and then became Superman for real after he fell off that horse.

 

That’s what gives me pause to see this year’s release of Superman Returns…will this new kid actually convince us that he’s Superman? Reeve had big shoes to fill, will Routh even be able to put on the blue tights?

 

Call me sentimental, but there are some times you just aren’t supposed to continue or re-start some things.

Virgin LIARS!

You thought only Britney Spears lied about abstinence until marriage? HAH! They all lie about it…and some genius actually figured that out! </end heavy sarcasm> Finally we have conclusive evidence that teens who pledge to remain virgins until marriage will deny they ever took the pledge if they become sexually active, but wait!…they will also deny an active sexual history if they later take the pledge!

 

Folks, kids lie. It’s inevitable. They don’t like to get into trouble, just like you don’t want that speeding ticket. Here are some common lies throughout their years:

• I didn’t take the cookies! <point at baby sister who can barely talk>
• I didn’t skip class, the teacher just didn’t see me!
• I’m holding these cigarettes for a friend!
• Really, we ran out of gas! Right after the flat tire!
• I told my friends that I’m allergic to marijuana.
• Your scotch tastes watered down? You should switch brands.
• A scratch on the BMW? Well, I certainly couldn’t have put it there. More mileage? No…are you sure?